


Ultimatum

by EgoDominusTuus, ScarletPassion



Series: Tell You A Tale [1]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Capital Wasteland, Crossover, Death, F/M, Fallout 3 - Freeform, Fallout crossover, Female Sole Survivor - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Maxson - Freeform, Mentions of prior relationships, Multi, Multiple Pov, NSFW, New Vegas, Other, Paladin Danse - Freeform, Romance, Smut, and bite everyone, arthur maxson - Freeform, in a good way, potential for those relationships to come back
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-10 02:53:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7827544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EgoDominusTuus/pseuds/EgoDominusTuus, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletPassion/pseuds/ScarletPassion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ayalla is sent to kill Paladin Danse, but when she finds him at the Listening Post she realizes just how much she needs him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There will be multiple POVs in this work <3 Enjoy and let me know what you think!

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

 

I make my way through the woods. I’m on autopilot, allowing my body to carry itself around and protect itself while I sort through every thought… Every emotion. It reminds me of when I was in high school, before the war and bombs. I went to the beach with some friends. Everyone wanted to sunbathe, but I wanted to swim. I always loved to swim

I remember swimming far out, until my friends were so far away that I couldn’t tell them apart. Everything was okay until I got caught by a rip current. I tried to fight it, to come to the surface to catch a breath, but every time I broke the surface a wave would wash over me and suffocate me once more.

That’s what it feels like now. Every time I get myself to stop thinking about one negative thing, I think about another and another. It’s just like drowning.

I go over the past few months in my head, starting from the moment I met Paladin Danse to the moment I found out that he is a synth. When Maxson confronted me about it, I was so shocked. It was like an out of body experience. I could hear Maxson telling me to execute him, I could hear Haylen telling me where to find Danse, but I couldn’t react. Not until now.

I stop walking and lean against a tree, turning my hazel eyes up to the sky. There are tears there, threatening to spill and make me look weak. My hands tremble as a sob rips its way up and out of my chest. The sound is soft, but it still echoes through the woods.

I’d fallen in love with Paladin Danse during my time working with him. I planned to tell him about my true feelings once we took down the Institute, but now I’ll never be able to tell him. I’ll never get the chance to act on them and create a new family.

But maybe I could…

The soldier in me pushes the thought away. I cannot disobey my commanding officer, no matter what. If I do that, I lose my position and the trust of the Brotherhood. I can’t do that, nothing is worth betraying them. They’ve helped me so much, regardless of if Danse was a part of it. It was the Brotherhood, always the Brotherhood.

I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and take a deep breath. I would complete this task, this mission. I would kill this synth. Then, I would go back to the Prydwen and take down the Institute. I would be a good soldier.

I start walking again, quicker this time, determined to get it over with. I take out the turrets and the protectron outside of Bravo, taking the scraps that I’ll be able to use later on. I take out the interior security as well.

I hear footsteps coming from just beyond the back wall. I make my way through the hole in the wall to the other room, finding Danse standing with his back to me. My resolve falters when I lay eyes on him. I nearly drop my weapon as I’m hit with a wave of emotions.

I can’t kill Danse. Not now, not ever.

* * *

  **-Danse-**

 

I was a man, and then I wasn't. There's no feeling quite like that - there's no feeling like learning that everything that you thought you were, everything that you've worked towards and striven to be... is all a lie.

There's nothing like learning that you are the abomination that you've been fighting against for what you thought was your whole life.

Then again, I wasn't even sure anymore as to how much of my life was mine, and how much of it was pre-programmed memories that had either been contrived by the Institute or stolen from a man named Paladin Danse whose life I had taken over.

Worse still was the knowledge that the people that I had called family, that I'd called brother and sister... that I'd someday wondered if I could call more...

My chest constricted at the thought of Ayalla. I'd taught her perfect hatred for the Institute, and disgust for the synthetic kind that they churned out...

I'd been teaching her to hate me during my entire time as her sponsor, and there was no taking that back.

I wasn't even sure if I would.

I'd run from the Brotherhood of Steel out of pure survival instinct. I knew that I would be terminated on sight, and whatever drive had been programmed into my mind for survival had kicked into gear. I'd gone to a bunker and fortified it as best I could... and then I'd had time to think...

Time to think about the fact that everything that I was doing was wrong, and counter intuitive to my beliefs. Even though I was an abomination, I still believed in the Brotherhood of Steel... I still believed in their cause.

I knew that I'd made a mistake, but I was certain that Elder Maxson would rectify the situation within a matter of days.

It was for that reason that I didn't have a gun drawn when I heard my defenses being breached, and it was for that reason that I'd left my power armor behind and not bothered to get the spare set that I kept hidden close by.

What I hadn't expected, when I turned, was for Ayalla to be standing there - and there was a look of pain and confusion on her face. I knew that Arthur didn't like to handle his own dirty work... but I hadn't expected this. It was almost cruel - like a punishment and a test wrapped in one. My student, my...

Ayalla... she'd been sent to dispatch me, and it was a blow to my heart that sent my chest into constricting pain; it was funny, I'd thought that synths couldn't really feel, didn't really care. The emotion that I was experiencing the moment that I saw her hazel eyes staring at me with such pain rocketing through them should have fried whatever circuits ran my mind.

I knew that Arthur Maxson had sent her to punish me for my betrayal... and I knew that Elder Maxson had sent her to test her loyalty. If she had sympathy for the synthetic kind, then she wasn't fit for her duties. The Brotherhood couldn't afford sympathy, couldn't afford kindness for the Institutes abominations.

Ayalla couldn't afford sympathy for me.

I tried to smile, but my full lips refused to be anything but a bitter mockery of a grin. "I should have known that Maxson wouldn't come himself - he never did like to do his own dirty work." My heart was thundering in my chest with such strength that I wondered if she could see it beneath the black tank top that molded to my chest. "Ayalla..." There was so much that I wanted to say.

There was so much that decorum had always prevented me from saying, and now that decorum was no longer an issue... the simple fact that she was far too good for me - for a synth - beat at the back of my mind and stilled my tongue. Instead, I let out a soft sigh, and turned up empty hands to show her that I wouldn't fight her.

"I'm glad I got to see you again, at least." My eyes dropped, and I let out a soft sigh, "I'm ready for you to follow your orders. I won't fight you." I’m glad your face is the last I’ll see. I didn’t say it, but I felt it.

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

 

All I can do is stare at Danse. He didn’t look like himself, and not just because he wasn’t in power armor, but because his identity had been stripped away from him and his friends had turned their back on him. I turned my back on him, for a brief moment. I will never forgive myself for that. I will work to make it up to him until I die because he’s that important to me. I can’t believe that I forgot- not for the first time -that family is more important than anything else in the world.

And I consider Danse my family. I trust him as I trusted my husband before the war. I love him like I loved my husband before the war.

This thought hits me like a freight train. I walk towards Danse and stop just before I reach him. I stare at him and drop my weapon. I don’t move as the weapon clatters against the floor loudly. I just take a step forward. And another. And another until I’ve closed the distance between us. I wrap my arms around his midsection tightly and it’s like I’ve finally come home. I sigh against his chest softly and close my eyes.

“Oh Danse. I’m so sorry.” I whisper, my voice weak and weary.

I can’t help but think that this is what love feels like. This is similar to what it felt like with my husband. A breath of fresh air. A cold drink of water. Not angry and hot and steamy and just nothing but sex- what happened with Maxson was nothing but lust and grief and our way of finding comfort. He doesn’t love me and I don’t love him. I love Danse. Tears spill down my cheeks, tears of regret and fear for Danse.

“God I’m so sorry Danse.” My voice breaks as I apologize to him, the floodgates opening further.

* * *

**-Danse-**

 

I expect violence and the silent, cold gaze that I know Ayalla can give when she's following orders. I expect a swift shot to the head and then nothing more... but I don't expect is the clattering of her weapon and Ayalla coming forward to wrap her warm arms around me.

What I don't expect is the soft apology that comes so heartfelt and painful from her chest, murmured against my chest where she holds me tight and almost begging me for forgiveness, when there's nothing that she's done wrong.

There's nothing wrong with her - there is everything wrong with me.

She's a sweet moment of comfort though - a warmth that pulses through me and makes my entire body nearly sizzle with the sensation. It's not that I haven't been with people before - I was with Cutler, before the Super Mutants took him from me, and I'd had a few shared moments with Astlin after that... and then, there were times when Arthur Maxson would look at me, and my blood would boil over, and we would fall together like two men who had been starving for the presence of another.

But there is something different about this. It has the warmth and comradeship of what I'd had with Cutler, and the softness of Astlin pressed against me... and the burning intensity that Maxson seemed to awaken inside of me - it was everything, swirling together into a culmination of something that I've been doing my best to ignore since the first moment that I'd felt it.

We'd been in cramped quarters while fighting before. We'd been in even more cramped quarters while sleeping through the night. She'd fallen asleep against me more than once, while I stayed awake to keep watch, because it was safer that we laid together then tried to find a place apart.

There'd been moments when Ayalla had brushed against me, and everything inside of me had stirred, and it was decorum alone that had kept me from saying something.

And now... now, there was an even bigger barrier between the two of us - I wasn't a human. I was a repulsive thing, and I wasn't fit to have her in my arms...

And yet my arms came up around her anyway - for just a moment. For just a moment, I let myself be weak, and I held her tight to me and feel a soft tremble of emotion pulse through my body.

The pang of everything falling apart is only stronger when I feel how right it feels for her to be in my arms - better than anything I've dreamed of before, better than I could have imagined it, even though I didn't acknowledge it.

I shake my head, and it's almost painful, but I take her arms gently in my own and pull her away from me, until she's at arms length. My eyes are darker than usual, and I know it - they're swirling with emotion and unspoken thoughts, but I can still manage to summon up the decorum that has ruled my life long enough to speak like the soldier that I thought I was.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Ayalla. You have your orders, I'm sure..." I frown softly at her, my dark brows knitting together, "I won't be the reason that you betray the Brotherhood."

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

 

When Danse wraps his arms around me I sob again, tightening my grip on him and burying my face further into his chest. All I can think is that this man is too good for me, far too good for me. He’s willing to die because he doesn’t want me to betray the Brotherhood, but in this very moment I don’t care about the Brotherhood. I care only about Danse and keeping him alive.

“I don’t give a shit about their orders.” I whisper fiercely, “I care about you. I will not betray you, not again. I should have never told Maxson that I would do this, Danse. I’m sorry.” I say, finally looking up at him with tear-filled hazel eyes.

My heart breaks as I gaze into his eyes. He doesn’t look so much like himself anymore. He looks broken and defeated… I vow, silently, to do whatever I can to help Danse find himself again and be happy. I want nothing more than to be the source of his happiness, to make him smile and laugh.

“Danse, we can get out of here and Maxson would never know. We can hole up in Sanctuary for a while or something, at least until we can find a permanent home.” I say, reaching up to stroke his cheek gently.

* * *

  **-Danse-**

 

She's crying, and it's not for the reason that I thought she would. I've never known Ayalla to be anything other than strong, and to see her break down now... like this... because of me...

And she's offering to break orders, offering to go against the Brotherhood, and everything that we both stand for. She's looking at me like her heart is broken, and I wonder if she can see that it's all because I'm a traitor to everything that I thought we both stood for. I feel something inside of me breaking as well, but I don't know if I can say that it's my heart.

Do synths even have hearts?

My hand comes up of its own volition, larger fingers momentarily laying over the small digits that cup and stroke my cheek so gently. There's a moment where I want to tell her yes - there was a moment, when I ran, that I thought about simply leaving the Commonwealth. I thought about starting a new life, being someone else, something else... but I'd quickly dashed that thought - I had a duty to uphold, even if that duty was going to lead me to the path of death.

"Do you really want to betray the Brotherhood, Ayalla? Everything that you've fought for. Everything that we've both worked so hard for? And all for..." I frown, and I pull her hand from my cheek, though I can't make myself let her fingers go - not just yet. "All for a machine?" I'm not worth it. I want to say the words aloud, and I know that my face is painting a clear picture to the emotions that I'm feeling.

I've never been that vocal, or that forthcoming. I've only really shared my thoughts and emotions with a few people, and all of them were either dead, wanted me dead... or stood in front of me, ready to throw their lives away all for the sake of a synthetic being.

I can't let her ruin her life - I'm not even sure what kind of a life we would have, if we did run. We would need to leave the Commonwealth; Ayalla is underestimating Maxson and his reach, his determination. I've watched...

No, I thought that I'd watched him grow into the man he was. Now, I'm not even sure which memories are mine, and which aren't... but the memories are still true - he's a strong leader who is capable of anything, if he sets his mind to it. I know, if we run, that he will set his mind to finding us, and nowhere in the Commonwealth will be safe.

* * *

  **-Ayalla-**

 

His hands are over my own and he’s giving me this look. I hate that look. He’s looking at me like he’s not good enough and I hate it. Can’t he see how I feel? How fucking broken I am over the mere thought of killing him? It’d be like losing my child all over again…

“Danse, I’d rather die by your side as a traitor than live knowing I’d killed the man I love.” I say, sniffling and giving him a determined look, “If you die, it won’t be by my hand. If you die, then I truly have nothing to live for. My child is gone, Danse. The only thing I thought I had after the war was taken from me and now… Now you’re looking at me like you want me to kill what happiness and meaning I have left. I can’t do that.”

I take my hand from his cheek and pull away from him. I take a few steps back and fix him with a glare, my tears and grief replaced by anger. I won’t let him do this, I won’t let Maxson do this. I’d kill Maxson before I kill Danse.

“Make your decision now, Danse. Kill both of us, or leave with me.” I say, doing my best to keep my voice from shaking. I hate ultimatums, but it’s okay because I hate a lot of things these days. And the only way to get this over with, and to maybe get Danse to think straight, is to give him an ultimatum.

 


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

**-Danse-**

_Kill both of us, or leave with me._

The words struck me hard, and they struck true to home. I don't know if Ayalla was angling for that - I didn't know how she could possibly love something that was just a machine.

I didn't know anything, other than the fact that her threat was effective, and her fury was a thing that was pulsing through the room.

"Ayalla..." My voice trailed off slowly, my brows knitting together as I stared at her, standing so imposing and intense in front of me. I'd already lost this battle, and I knew it. The last thing that I wanted was for her to get hurt.

And the last thing that I needed was for her to think that she could die for me.

I wouldn't allow that to happen.

I shake my head slowly, back and forth. My voice is still unsure when I reply. "You're going to be giving up everything, Ayalla. Everything that you've worked for... everything that you are... for... a machine." I frown, but the fact that she loves me - that she's said it so honestly... it's resonating through me.

I take one hesitant step, and then another. My hand comes up tentatively, and I touch her arm. "How can you love me? I'm not even a man."

But I love her. I do - and I think that I have for some time. The emotion is pouring out through me, through my eyes, my touch... "Can a machine even love?" My brows twitch, my lips pressing tight together, "Because what I feel for you..." I shake my head slowly. I _do_ love her.

And knowing that is all the answer that I need.

"We'll have to leave the Commonwealth. We can't stay here." I look down between us, wanting to take her hand - wanting to feel as secure as she seems to be in this decision.  

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

 

I watch the emotions play out on his face and I just know that I’ve won. He can’t stand the thought of me dying either. I press my lips together as he sorts through all of this verbally, looking so troubled about his new identity. I feel so bad, but I know I need to let him work it out on his own.

“You _can_ love, Danse. You love me.” I say, taking a step towards him and touching his face once more and looking into those sweet, brown eyes.

I stretch up on my tippy toes and lightly press my lips to his, a desire I never knew I had until today. His lips are soft against mine and I feel butterflies dance in my stomach. It feels so right and I want more, but I need to back off. I need to let him process this information. So, I take a step back, holding onto one of his hands.

“We can leave now. I have everything I need.” I say, squeezing his hand gently with a small smile, “Do we need to find anything for you?” I ask, thinking of where I might find some power armor for him to take with us.

* * *

**-Danse-**

 

There are so many things that I want to take with me - most of all, the humanity that I seem to have lost somewhere along the way. Instead, I shake my head. A soldier is always prepared for the worst of situations, and if nothing else, my programming has made me a damn fine soldier.

I'll think more on the fact that she seems to deign me worthy of being able to love later - once we're safe. Once I can make sure that my decisions don't cause her death.

"There's a set of power armor a few miles from here. It's in a hidden stash with some weapons and ammo, and enough supplies to last for a trek." My voice is calm and collected, and I know that I sound like the Paladin Danse that she knew, instead of simply Danse... instead of M7-97, a synthetic traitor. "If we head out now, we can make it there in good time, and keep moving. I don't usually suggest traveling in the dark," I suppress a small shudder from pulsing up my spine; the Commonwealth at night is a deadly place. "But I think that our best bet will be to move where the Vertibirds can't find us. We'll head south-west." I want to go back to Rivet City, back to where I know the land... but that's probably the first place that Maxson will look. It may be better to go somewhere else.

I am already wondering if the Power Armor was a good idea. I feel naked without it, but I'm recognizable in it.

I have more questions than answers, and for the first time in a long time... I'm completely unsure. All that I know is that we need to move, because Maxson is no fool; he will realize sooner rather than later that something strange is going on, and I don't want to be here when he finds out that Ayalla has sided with a traitor and forsaken her oaths.

* * *

  **-Ayalla-**

 

I squeeze Danse’s hand and nod, a small smile playing at my lips. He sounds like his normal self- almost. I know that what has happened is terrible, but I also know that in times like these you have to push all of that to the side and take care of business first. That’s how life is for a soldier, there’s no time for personal feelings or problems when there’s work to be done.

“Let’s get out of here, then.” I say and release his hand, bending over to grab my gun before leaving the room.

I try my best not to think of what the future holds for Danse and I now that we are leaving the Commonwealth. I know that I need to be focused on getting weapons and rations and power armor for Danse. So, when I’m out of the Listening Post I turn and look at Danse.

“Lead the way.” I say with a hint of a smile.

I love following his orders because I trust him. I love letting him take the lead because he’s so good at it. Even with his world crashing down around him, he is still strong enough to lead me. My heart swells with pride for him. I’ve always known he was a strong man, but this is a whole other level of strength. I know that someday he’ll need me to lead, and I’ll be ready. I’ll do whatever he needs me to do. I’ll do anything to protect him. ~~~~

* * *

**-Danse-**

 

There's a part of me that half expects Maxson and the entirety of the Brotherhood of Steel to be waiting outside of the bunker. I'm anxious as we ride the elevator up, and even more anxious when we step out of the doorway.

But there's nothing there.

My mind is shutting down - it's simply going into _Paladin_ mode, where I focus more on leading my team than my own mental well being, or anything else for that matter. The most important thing is getting Ayalla out of the Commonwealth, and getting her away from the consequences of her actions.

There's a part of me that feels wrong about it, but I remember her ultimatum, and I know that it doesn't matter how I feel - what matters is making sure that she lives safely through this.

I can worry about consequences later.

"All right, let's keep moving." My voice is low and calm, but it doesn't feel like my own. I almost feel like I'm simply witnessing the acts that are unfolding; I haven't had time to process _anything_ that's happened. Not really. I'd only just come to the realization that I deserved whatever justice Elder Maxson decided to mete out when Ayalla had changed my mind.

And honestly, she hadn't changed my mind about my own guilt. She'd only changed my mind about the fact that I wouldn't take her down with me.

The racing in my mind isn't exactly a pretty thing, but I can't do anything about it. I'm on auto-pilot, and for now, it's the only way to really function.

"We should get to the cache soon. We'll loot it and keep moving until we're too tired to keep going." My voice was careful, but still authoritative; it sounded empty to me. "Once we're out of the Commonwealth, we can slow down a little."

But not by much.

_Not by much._

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

 

I want to touch him again as he takes the lead, but I don’t. I just admire his strong back, the curve of his shoulders, and the warm color of his hair. He looks emotionally okay from this perspective, but I know that if I look into his eyes I’d see the storm brewing.

I wonder if I’ll be enough for him when we’ve left here. I wonder if he’ll still want me once he figures all of this out. I hope that I’m not just an easy decision for him to make now while he’s vulnerable. I want to be a lifelong choice for him, someone who can make him happy and love him the way he wants to be loved.

I know, however, that if I can’t do that and someone else can, then…. Then I’ll be okay with it. I’ll let him be happy and I’ll do what I can from the sidelines. Because I love him and I need him to be happy.

“So where exactly are we going? What’s south west of here?” I ask as I follow behind him, my gun raised and ready for any incoming threats.

* * *

  **-Danse-**

 

_Where are we going?_

I have to pause and hesitate, because the truth is... I'm not sure where we're going. I'm silent for a few more steps, and then I finally turn to give her a look over my shoulder; it's brief, and I don't stop walking to do it, because I don't want to waste any time. "Honestly, I'm not sure. I only know that we're going somewhere that isn't _here_ , and somewhere that Maxson won't think to look. When things have cooled down, we might head to the Capital Wasteland - I have some connections there." I frown, because I feel like a terrible leader in this moment. I feel like I've done everything wrong by her, both in leading her on some aimless quest and allowing herself to sacrifice her integrity for a synth.

I never thought of myself as a selfish being, but I'm damn selfish in the fact that I want her to stay alive. I'm more selfish in the fact that there is a part of me that's pleased to be with her, more than happy that we're going to be spending time together, even if it wasn't what I expected.

I'd expected to be with her when we took down the Institute, with her when we took care of everything that had been plaguing her past.

Instead, she was going to be with me while we tried to run from my own.

I wanted _answers_ , but I wasn't going to be able to find them here - I didn't know if I was going to find them anywhere... or if they even existed. All that I knew was that I was with Ayalla, and as long as we were together, I was going to do everything that I could to make sure that she was safe. Everything else, every other worry that I had could come after.

"We'll pick up the gear and go where the wind takes us. There aren't any plans, soldier," and then, softer, "I'm sorry, Ayalla... for getting you into this mess."

* * *

  **-Ayalla-**

 

I nod when he talks about the Capital Wasteland. I vaguely remember him telling me that that’s where he and the Brotherhood had come from. I’m surprised at the little bit of excitement I feel about seeing where Danse is essentially from. I’m excited about meeting people he’s known, seeing the places he’s seen, and most of all… I’m excited to be traveling with him.

There’s nothing left for me here, now that my baby and husband are gone. Except for the Minutemen. I feel sort of bad about leaving without warning, but I’ll find a way to get a letter to Preston eventually. I can only hope he’ll understand.

Also, I’m just so tired of seeing this once great and loved state in such a bad place. It’s completely ravaged and nothing like it used to be. It’s no longer my home, it’s missing too many things that made it home. I won’t miss this place, I’ll always just miss Massachusetts the way it was before.

“Danse,” I say when he’s done speaking, “You didn’t get me into this mess. _I_ got myself into it. I chose to follow you, I chose to love you.”

I frown a little bit at him and take a step forward to be walking at his side instead of slightly behind him. I want to grab his hand again, but I stop myself, my hand halfway out in the air. I shouldn’t do this right now, not in the middle of the Commonwealth where we’re both being hunted down. We just can’t afford this kind of distraction.

So, I drop my hand and settle for a small smile directed at him, my hand going into my pocket.

* * *

**-Danse-**

 

I can feel her when she approaches me, and I can tell that there's unspoken words hanging in the air, like lattice work that barely separates us. There's a part of me that wants to turn - there's a part of me that wants to wrap my arms around her and find myself lost for a moment in her embrace, in the sweet scent of her hair and the softness of her skin that is unlike anything else that I've touched.

But it's that part of me that got us here to begin with, because it's that part of me that was selfish enough to fall in love with a subordinate, though I never acted on it. It was that part of me that was too selfish now to even think about leaving her... because the place that I want most to be is by her side.

It's that part of me that aches to see her now. But I ignore it as best I can, and feel a bitter smile cross my lips. "The bunker is just up ahead." I'm not sure what to say to her proclamation; I can only thank the fact that Ayalla understands me well enough to know that I need time to process everything that's happening, everything that still has the potential to happen. It's not only the fact that my entire life has been a lie, that everything that I thought I was has been torn away from me.

All in the same motion, something that I'd wanted since the moment I met her was offered, rubbing along the raw edges of my nerves and stealing away my breath.

Everything was far too confusing, and I was far too anxious about still being in the Commonwealth to have time to think about it. Maybe once I'd slept - maybe once I'd had a chance to let my thoughts settle around me, I would know what to say.

The best that I could do was turn and smile at her - the briefest lift of my lips... and my hand came out for just a moment; my knuckles were the briefest brush against her cheek, and then I turned and stepped forward.

The doorway to the bunker was covered with brush - it was a good sign, because it was exactly how I'd left it.

"Let's get the gear and get moving. We might need to change clothing - the uniforms might attract unwanted attention."

* * *

  **-Ayalla-**

 

Danse touches my cheeks and just barely smiles at me. I inhale slowly and close my eyes, savoring the brief touch because I know it may be all I get for a while. I want to grab his hand, I want to kiss his knuckles. I want to stay in this moment forever because, even though I’m excited for the future, I’m terrified of what could go wrong in the future. I’m terrified that Maxson will find us, that someday something’s going to take Danse away from me… That someday Danse won’t want me anymore.

I can’t think about that now, though. I need to focus on getting into the bunker with Danse and getting whatever is in there because we’ll need it desperately. I agree with him about the uniforms. I just know that, especially where we’re going, the Brotherhood is well-known. I’m sure that Maxson would somehow get word that a red-head and an ex-paladin are traveling the wasteland in Brotherhood uniforms, that that would just be a dead giveaway of our location.

“You’re right. Are there civilian clothes in there?” I ask, clearing off a little bit of the brush.

* * *

  **-Danse-**

 

I can see it on her face that she wants more from the moment that we share outside of the bunker, but I'm not sure that I have anything more to give. Or, maybe it's not so much that I don't have more... but that I'm unsure that she should have more from a _thing_ \- something that can't even be called a man.

I'm an abomination, and I feel disgusted with myself for the fact that I want to pull her into my arms and hide in this bunker. I want to forget about everything and everyone, and all of the things that have torn my world apart.

All that I want to think about is the _one good thing_ that has come from all of this - I've been stripped of rank and title. There's no conflict anymore in the way of my emotions, as far as superior and subordinate. If things were different... if _I_ were different, I could pursue my emotions without guilt, with sweet honesty and the confession that I'd been wanting to give to her since we'd started growing closer.

But I can't - not now. All that I can do is step deeper into the bunker and answer her question. "There should be a few options - I've gathered and stashed supplies here since my squad was sent down on recon. I wanted to make sure that we always had a backup, if it was necessary." This one, of course, was known to more than just myself and Haylen... and I had a moment of wondering if Rhys would talk to Maxson - did I still hold the Knights loyalty, or did he think of me as nothing more than another machine to be put down and used for gun scrap.

I didn't want to think about it - all that I wanted to do was push forward and keep moving. I was good at giving commands, I was good at playing the role of Paladin, though I no longer held the title.

I was good at doing whatever was necessary to make sure that Ayalla was safe and out of the Commonwealth.

I spilled inside of the bunker and instantly pointed out the guns and food. "There should be some packs - start fitting as much as we can both carry into them." My eyes shift forward to the power armor that I've stashed. As much as I want it - and I _do_ want the comfort of metal around my body and something familiar... I know that Maxson will be looking for it. Maybe, once we've gotten to a safer location, I can use some of the caps that I have to get a new set.

But for now...

My hands go to the zipper of my uniform, and I don't notice when a pained sound escapes my throat as I unzip it. I'm stripping away the last vestiges of what made me Paladin Danse - what made me a man of the Brotherhood of Steel.

I peel the uniform off down to my chest and start sifting through the rack in front of me for a set of civi clothing, unaware of the fact that I'm trembling as I do so.

* * *

  **-Ayalla-**

 

I begin doing as Danse told me, packing almost all of the food and weapons into the packs. I’m pleasantly surprised by the stash. I feel relieved that rations will be one less thing to worry about on our trip, at least for a little while.

I hear a pained noise come from across the room. I look up to see Danse removing his uniform. I frown and stand up straight, going to him. I begin unzipping my own uniform. I look at him for a moment, but I don’t say anything as I strip the clothing away and begin digging for my own civilian clothing next to him. I hope that doing it together helps, even though a large part of me doubts it.

I find a decent pair of jeans and a sturdy-ish shirt. I slip them both on with a pair of boots. I dig through the clothes a little more and pull out a jacket, figuring I’ll need it during the winter. I stuff it into my own pack before hiking the thing up onto my shoulder. It’s heavy, but I like the weight. It lets me know that I have everything I need.

“I packed what I could, is there anything else we need to do before we leave?” I ask as I adjust my pack on my shoulders. ~~~~

* * *

**-Danse-**

 

My fingers are hesitating at my chest, my orange flightsuit still hanging low slung on my hips. Ayalla speaks to me, and I try to turn my attention to her... I want to look at her, to let her know that we're nearly done here... but my fingers are stuck on the pieces of metal that hang at my chest.

 _Paladin Danse_.

That's what the tags say, and I wonder if I deserve them at all - I wonder how long I've been Paladin Danse... and I wonder if they belonged to another man who is dead now, or if they'd been made up altogether.

I want to pull the tags over my head - I can remember being presented them when I joined the Brotherhood of Steel. I need to take them off now because they identify me, and that's the last thing that I want...

But I can't seem to make myself pull the chain over my head. The blue holotags are warm in my palm, the same temperature as my skin, and my hands are shaking as I hold them tight, tight enough that I'm sure the impression of the metal is digging deep into my skin.

I take a deep, ragged breath, and then another. My eyes flash to Ayalla, only for a second, and I know that she can see it; something deep, clawing beneath the surface. A panic that is trying to escape, emotions that I'm swallowing down hard so that I don't break down there in the bunker. It's desperate, _I'm_ desperate. For just a moment, I don't know if I'm going to be able to control myself.

But somehow, I reach for a shirt instead - and when I pull the black cotton over my head and feel the security of those tags, hidden but still tucked away against my skin, the anxiety ebbs off.

I take a deep breath, and it shakes... but my next one is better. By the third, I can straighten up and look at Ayalla again. "Let's just get changed and we'll head out." I pull on pants, kicking the uniform away from me before tucking back into my boots. A black jacket spills over my shoulder, and I take a few moments to hook a harness for a gun through my belt, and shoulder straps over that. When I'm locked and loaded, I grab another bag - it chinks with caps - and give her a nod.

"We can head out." And then, lower, softer, and with a bit of shame. "I'm sorry you just had to see that."

I keep expecting her to turn away - because I'm acting weak, because I'm not who she thought I was. I can't understand why she's still staring at me with such faith and trust.

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

 

Danse glances at me, his hands on his holotags. I can see that he’s about to lose it and I don’t know what to do. I feel like such a failure for not being able to help, but what can you do when the man you love has lost his identity? When he’s just barely hanging on by a thread…

He looks away and I watch as he grabs a shirt. I nod and avert my eyes, looking at my hands and letting him have this moment because it’s the best I can do for him right now. When I hear him grab a bag I look up from my hands, giving him the smallest of smiles.

“You have nothing to apologize for. I know what’s happening isn’t easy for you.” I say and head for the door, ready to get Danse far, far away from the Commonwealth and Maxson. I will get him far away from the Brotherhood of Steel or I will die trying.

I believe that Danse deserves a chance at a good life, because no matter what happens he will always just be Danse to me. I’ll never be able to look at him as a synth or anything close to that. He’s empathetic, compassionate, and he loves people so much. Someone with those emotions and the ability to relate to others is not synthetic. It’s nature, human nature. Danse is human on the inside, I’m sure.

I wait for Danse outside of the bunker, allowing him to have a moment alone before we begin our journey. I know that as soon as he steps over that threshold things will be back to us being all business. We won’t get a moment of peace or relaxation because there will be a constant threat looming over us.

I press my hands to my face and neck and close my eyes. I’m so scared that Maxson is going to find us, that he’s going to kill Danse in front of me and then leave me to pick up the pieces. I wonder if that’ll be what finally pushes me over the edge. When I woke up to find Damian dead and Alysse gone, I thought about killing myself but I never picked the gun up to to it. But, God, just the thought of Danse dying makes me want to end it all. Without him, there’s nothing. _I’m_ nothing.

I mentally shake myself and stand up a little straighter. I push away those thoughts and turn to the door, putting on the best “normal face” I can manage before Danse exits.


	3. Chapter 3

**~~~~**

* * *

**-Danse-**

We've been moving for a while when the sun sinks below the horizon. Every sound that I hear around the corner, every whir in the air, I'm afraid that it's a Vertibird, I'm afraid that it's the Brotherhood, come to track us down and bring me to righteous justice. I don't worry about myself... but the thought of being caught with Ayalla with me... the thought of her suffering because of the choice that she's made to be with me.

I can't help but to shudder at the thought of it.

I've been quiet since the bunker - I've been quiet since we started moving out. It's strange, because I usually chat idly while we're moving, giving random facts that I spent hours in my quarters at the Prydwen learning. I don't feel like doing that now though - I'm not sure what I would say if I open my mouth... because all that I can think of is how much it means to me that Ayalla is standing by my side. I keep hearing the word that she said - that four letter word that shouldn't be applied to a synth, but somehow she's giving it to me.

Love.

And I know that I feel it for her, too. But there's no time to feel  _ anything _ , and I was never good with relationships since Cutler. Even what I shared with Maxson was all heat and steel, and I wasn't sure where it started and where it ended.

Everything that I'd had before this was a shadow in comparison to the enormity that had been building in my chest over the time that I'd spent with the woman beside me... and now that I could feel it, now that I could think to tell her...

Now that it was possible, everything seemed so impossible to me.

Shadows had fallen across the Commonwealth, the darkness both a blessing and a curse. We'd run into some ferals and a few super mutants on our way - and the sight of the mutants made my stomach coil.

Was I  _ me _ when I'd lost Cutler? Had M7-97 killed his best friend and lover? Or had someone else done it?

I didn't know. I didn't know anything - and I had no idea if I knew how to court a woman. I only knew that we needed to take it slow.

"We should be careful, now that night's fallen." I speak, because I have to fill the silence that has been echoing around us. I speak, because I want to hear her voice - even if I'm unsure, I know that it will bring me calm. It was her close presence that had even allowed me to sleep while we were out on missions - my dreams were plagued with nightmares, my days with headaches.

"We'll trek for another hour, and then find somewhere to duck and rest for the night. If we keep pushing forward at this pace, we should be out of the Commonwealth soon. We'll go west until we hit somewhere that neither of us have seen." The thought of it made my heart ache - but it was the best that I could do. It was the best that we could both do... and I was going to do everything that I could to keep her safe. ~~~~ ~~~~

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

We walk in silence for what feels like a lifetime. I want to speak to him, aside from the occasional “on your” whatever shouting, but I can never think of what to say to him. I’m so afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing and scare him off. I don’t know what I‘d do then. Maybe I’d just turn myself into Maxson and let him execute me. Because even that would be better than living without Danse, especially now that I’ve told him my feelings and he’s told me his.

I run my hands down my clothing, frowning at the goo from the ferals and super mutants we’d fought along the way so far. I still haven’t gotten used to the smell of it. It’s worse than what the innards of humans does. And it just  _ looks  _ worse in general.

Danse begins speaking so I look over at him, feeling comforted by the sound of his voice. I manage to smile a little bit, just to let him believe that I’m more at ease than I really am. The last thing I need to do is make him worry about me. I just need to stick it out for an hour longer and then I’ll be able to finally rest and truly say goodbye to the place I was born and raised in. 

“Good call.” I say, because I can already feel fatigue setting in. I feel like I’ve been awake for weeks on end, “How.. How are you doing?” I ask, rather than asking him how he feels. At least this way he can choose between telling me how he is emotionally and how he is physically.

* * *

**-Danse-**

There's a million ways that I could answer her question - and there's a small part of me that wants to divulge my emotions to her. But, the soldier that I am... the man that I was  _ programmed _ to be still reigns in the front of my head.

"I'll be ready for first watch when we finally find a location to rest for the night." My eyes sweep our surroundings - I'm not sure of where we are anymore. I've scouted in this direction, but we are beginning to move out of the area of the Commonwealth that I know. We're beginning to move out of the Commonwealth.

Still, I turn back to her, and I know that my brown hues hold more than the rigid posture that I'm putting forward, the indifference and ability to be a strong soldier, even through the toughest of times. I let out a low sigh, and I try to smile.

It doesn't quite reach my eyes, doesn't quite lift my lips. "I'll feel better once we're out of the immediate area, and once we've found somewhere to kip for the night." The thought of it brings me a sense of peace - not because I'll be able to sleep... I don't expect that I'll manage much rest at all for the next few days.

But being able to settle down somewhere under shelter with her... it would be a familiar thing, and something that would bring me a measure of comfort that I so desperately needed.

"Ayalla..." I start to tell her that - I start to tell her that I'm glad that she's here with me. There's a part of me that isn't sure if I should.

But somehow, whether it's the look in her eyes or the concern on her face, I can't help myself.

"I'm just... tired. I want to get somewhere safe so that I can think - so that we can  _ rest _ ." And then, softer. Softer, because I know if I say too much, it will be anger instead of sorrow, "I want things to go back to how they were."

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

I listen to Danse, understanding his words and hearing all of the pent-up emotions in his voice. If I didn’t know Danse so well, I’d never be able to catch the smallest sounds and movement that alert me to his true feelings. I do my best to smile at him, however.

“Thank you for taking first watch.” I say this because I want him to know that I appreciate him and his actions, even though I know he’s taking first watch because he won’t be able to rest. I’m not entirely sure that I will be able to either, but I’ll do my best to rest for his sake, if nothing else.

When he says he wants things to go back to the way they were, my heart breaks for him. The truth is, I’d give anything for things to go back to how they were just for Danse. Just so that he could be happy and stop having to question everything he’s ever known. I wish that I could somehow obtain the power to turn back time and give Danse everything he could ever want, even if it would mean that he never would fall in love with me.

“I’m sorry, Danse. I wish I could change all of this for you.” I say it softly, doing my best to hide most of the heartbreak and sadness I feel for the broken man that I love, “I would give anything to fix this for you.” I gaze at him with a bit of a frown, feeling like a fool for speaking at all because now… 

Now I feel like I’ve failed Danse.

“I should have stood up to Maxson. He would’ve listened to me, he would have let you stay. I never should have told him that I…” I swallow back the last few words. I can’t bear to think about those shock-filled moments when Maxson told me Danse was a synth, much less tell Danse about how I said  _ yes to killing him.  _ If I could somehow go back, I’d tell Maxson just how wrong he was.

* * *

**-Danse-**

I can only hazard a guess at what Ayalla's trailed off words mean, but I shake my head quickly. My hand comes out of its own accord, and I touch her face gently, for just a brief moment. "Don't blame yourself for this, Ayalla. In your position, I would have followed orders blindly."

I had, after all - I'd done it with Cutler, without even thinking about the fact that there could have been a cure, that there could have been something I could have done to save him. I'd done it because the Brotherhood would have wanted it.

Because he'd wanted it.

"The difference between the two of us is that you didn't listen, when it came down to it. You allowed your heart to override your duty to the Brotherhood." And I was surprised that my voice didn't sound accusatory. It sounded...

Soft. Grateful.

"There's nothing that you could have done differently. I've known Arthur for a long while now. He-"

He probably felt more betrayed than anyone had a right to know. The times that we'd spent together in his quarters... and those nights that he'd snuck carefully into mine. All for me to be a synth - all for me to be the very thing that he'd sworn to protect the Commonwealth from. I shook my head, and I sighed. A part of me longed to reach back out for the soft feeling of her skin again; the warmth of her brought me a comfort that I didn't know I needed.

"Elder Maxson was doing his duty to the Brotherhood of Steel. I can promise you, there's nothing under the sun that would have changed his mind and his orders. I'm  _ glad _ you accepted, Ayalla." I look at her again - a brief moment of brown hues lifting to meet her own. "Anyone else would have put a bullet in my brain without a second thought. Anyone else wouldn't have taken the time to try to reach down and find the man that I was. Everything that I stood for, everything that I fought for and believed in." I thumped my chest, the impact hard enough that I felt it reverberate. "It's still  _ in here _ . Learning what I am didn't  _ change _ who I was."

Conviction was lancing through my voice, hot and sharp and overwhelming. I was angry and sad... and more than that, I was furious that Ayalla felt any kind of guilt over the situation at all.

I continued walking, my strides quicker now, my legs carrying our pace faster.

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

I close my eyes for the brief moment that his hand is on my cheek. When I open my eyes he’s no longer looking at me, his hand back at his side. I frown slightly and toy with the gun in my hands as he speaks. I think he’s wrong. I think Maxson would have changed his mind.

“Maxson and I… We did something, and I think I could have used that as leverage or… Or something to get him to listen to reason, Danse. You were the best thing that had happened to the Brotherhood and I think he would have listened to me.” I say, because I’m determined to change everyone’s minds now. Danse is still a man at heart, no matter what.

“You’re wonderful and dedicated and Maxson is an idiot for wanting you dead. They’re all idiots.” I say, even though I was one of those idiots mere hours ago. 

I cross my arms over my chest and huff, deciding not to continue with my rant. The last thing I need to do is upset Danse over stupid things I’m thinking out of anger. I need to keep a cool head for him, I need to be stable and calm.

“We should be able to stop soon, hmm?” I ask, hoping to divert both of our minds.

* * *

**-Danse-**

She's so insistent in her words, and what she says doesn't strike me as strange - there's an implication there, that she's done  _ something  _ with Maxson. I might have weighed it against her, I might have made some kind of commentary...

But the fact is, I've done  _ something  _ with Arthur more than once, and I was no longer a man who could throw stones.

I was no longer a man, after all.

Still, there's something almost endearing about her wide eyed innocence to the situation. She clearly sees good in people where the rest of the Brotherhood wouldn't - she clearly hasn't completely followed the rules and regulations that caused me to kill Cutler without trying to get a cure.

_ Still, I know in my heart that isn't true. I remember him begging me - I remember him half twisted from the Forced Evolutionary Virus, insane... but coherent long enough to get out a plea. _

End this.

**End this.**

"Ayalla, I can assure you... regardless of what you've done with Maxson, it wouldn't make a difference. I didn't with me." I won't go any further into that explanation. Arthur had sent her to kill me - whatever the two of us had shared in the past had no sway on his decision. "He did what a good leader would do - there's no need for dissension in the ranks, and no need to confuse the members of the Brotherhood." I fix her with my gaze, and I wish that my voice was as firm as it usually was when I gave orders. "There's no more need to discuss the subject - the only difference it would have made is that Arthur wouldn't have trusted you to come after me. He would have sent someone else." And then, softer, "And I wouldn't be alive right now."

She'd saved my life by keeping her silence, whether she realized it or not. She'd saved my life by not showing Arthur Maxson her true feelings for me. Regardless of what she'd done with him - regardless of what she wanted to do with me...

She'd saved me, because she'd accepted the mission to bring me my end.

I drop the subject completely, feeling my emotions threaten to ride up and overwhelm me. I refuse to let that happen - especially here, out in the open.

I don't want it to happen at all.

Instead, I focus on the question that she'd ended with, because it was something that I could handle. My eyes scan the area around us, and I'm pleased to note that we aren't in the Commonwealth anymore. Wherever we are, it's nowhere that I've scouted on the ground.

"It looks like there might be some ruins up ahead - an old station, perhaps. We can stop there and hunker down for most of daylight - traveling while it's light out is what the Brotherhood would expect. We can move under the cover of dark until we're well enough away that we both feel safe."

I didn't know if I'd feel safe ever again... but we'd just have to take it one day at a time. For the moment, the thought of laying down and resting... of simply getting to spend a few moments of peaceful silence with Ayalla...

That was enough to keep me moving.

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

I want to keep arguing with him, but when he points out that me speaking out about the subject to Maxson basically would’ve insured Danse’s death… It just makes me speechless because I know, deep down, that he’s right. Maxson would’ve sent someone else, someone who doesn’t love Danse, and he never would’ve trusted me again. Hell, he may have even kicked me out of the Brotherhood for it.

I shake my head and frown, thankful that I saved him, but angry that I can’t change their minds. That I’lll never be able to change their minds. 

I pick up the pace a little bit when Danse points out the little ruined building in the distance. All I want right now is to sit and not think about the Brotherhood. I want to at least try to relax for a little while before we have to start moving again. We’re in unknown territory right now and will be for a very long time. Things will be pretty hard for a little while so I need to make sure that I’m on my A game.

“Finally, some peace and quiet.” I say because now we’re practically on the doorstep of the new place.


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

**-Danse-**

There's a silence in the shack that we step into, and it's something that sinks into the depths of my mind and brings everything full circle. I can feel the holotags, warm as my skin against my chest. I can hear my breathing, coming in and out softly... and I have to wonder, if I'm nothing more than a _thing,_ why did they bother to let me know what it feels like to fill my lungs with air?

Why did they bother to let me know what it feels like to have something inside of me _broken_ , because I've discovered that everything that I am and everything that I've always thought I would become was a lie.

I had seen myself spending my entire life fighting for the Brotherhood - I was going to watch Maxson grow as Elder, and I was going to fight by his side for the Commonwealth that he believed that we could have.

When he'd given his speech, I'd felt empowered, I'd felt _hope_.

Why would the Institute program me as a being that could feel _hope_ at the mention of it all crashing down.

Why was I Danse, when my designation was M7-97.

Why did I have a name at all.

I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know what to think about it. I pulled my bag from my shoulder and started to carefully unholster my guns, inwardly missing the security that my power armor gave me. I could hide inside of it - I could pretend that there was nothing but the smell of metal and leather and sweat.

I couldn't hide now, because Ayalla was right beside me, and I knew that my emotions were probably flickering across my features faster than I could control.

Finally, I turned to her after I'd unloaded all of my gear, stepping behind her to close and secure the door.

"I don't think that anyone will find us here - we can get some rest, get some food in our stomachs, and wait until the light fades."

Through poorly boarded up windows, we'd be able to see what was spilling in from outside. The old station was small - but there were still a few rooms that we hadn't checked and secured. I picked up a laser pistol and tilted my head to the right doorway. "We'll check and secure the locations, barricade the doors... and then set up somewhere to rest."

I wanted to lay down, and damn me if I didn't want to lay down with her. There were times when Ayalla was the only thing that could sooth the insomnia that plagued my mind - I wanted that now.

I just wanted to feel a few moments of _peace._

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

I do my best to ignore the emotions flashing across Danse’s handsome features. I don’t want to pry and I definitely don’t want to get emotional-not yet, anyway. If I look at him… If I see all of that pain and confusion mingling across his face I’ll want to hold him and cry for him, but I can’t do that right now. There’s work to be done.

I follow Danse to each doorway, checking them and barricading them until we’re both satisfied that we won’t be disturbed. And, if we are, we’ll have time to prepare for a fight. I admire him as he works the entire time, hardly focusing on my actions. He’s gorgeous and rugged and so damn talented and focused. I’m so disappointed that he’s being put through this shitty situation, but I’m determined to help make the best of his for him. It’s the least I can do after everything he’s done for me.

Once we’re done, I find a mostly cleared off area and begin digging through my bag for food. I set down two nuka colas and two cans of cram. I even find two mostly intact forks. It’s not much and I want to do more, but I can’t cook anything in here without either setting the place on fire or alerting anyone in the area that Danse and I are here.

“It’s not much, but I promise once we’re further away I’ll cook some real food for us.” I say as I open my can of cram. I eat it all quickly. I’m so used to being on the move and having to eat fast before trouble finds me. Once the last drop of nuka cola has touched my tongue I sit back and try to make myself relax a bit more.

“Did you want to sleep first?” I ask, half hoping that he says yes and half hoping that he says no. I want to try and rest, but all of a sudden I’m feeling sort of wide awake.

* * *

**-Danse-**

Real food - Ayalla is almost acting like some sweet little pre-war house wife who wants nothing more than to set up home for her husband. I think she's trying to comfort me, and I appreciate it. Once we're sure that the area is secure, I settle down, sinking to sit beside her. I eat my food quickly and in silence, and when she questions me about whether I want to sleep or not, I actually let out a soft laugh.

"I'm exhausted, Ayalla, but I'm not sure that I could sleep, even if I tried." There's too much on my mind, too much loss and unknown. I haven't been this off course since my childho--

My own thoughts stop in the midst of trying to form, because I don't know how many of my memories are actually my own, and how many are simply something that the Institute programmed into me.

"If we don't sleep, what would you want?" I roll tense shoulders, my hands linking together so that my forehead can fall against them - my head is aching again, my entire body feels so exhausted. I wished that I could just sleep, but I know that I won't be able to.

I know that my mind is going to swirl thoughts, and there's a good chance that I won't get a wink of sleep for a few days. I'd almost been confined to the Prydwen before for PTSD and headaches, insomnia.

I wondered, did I ever really have it at all, or was it simply another quirk that had been programmed - had the Institute gotten rid of me because I was _defective._

"Am I _defective_?" The words spill pained form my chest before I realize that I'm speaking my thoughts aloud, and my brown eyes are almost guilty when I turn them up to Ayalla, because I can't believe that I've actually said it aloud, actually shown the weakness that's crawling inside of me like some cowering dog. But it's out, and I can't help it now...

And there's a part of me that just wants to be held, like Haylen had come to be to be held. It seemed to have helped her... but I don't know _what_ will help me. Not now.

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

I stare at Danse. I’m not entirely sure of what I should say to him. I want him of course, but I don’t think that’s what he meant. I don’t really know what I want to do if we aren’t going to sleep, even though I know we should. We’ve got a long road ahead of us, after all.

When Danse asks me if he’s defective and looks up at me with those sad eyes I can feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. Tear fill my eyes and I shake my head, reaching out and taking one of his hands in both of mine.

“Of course you aren’t.” I say and tug on his hand, “Come lay in my lap. Let me take care of you.” I say, because I want nothing more than to hold him and run my fingers through his hair and caress his handsome face.

I haven’t had much physical contact since before the war, but I remember a lot of things from before the war. I remember my husband’s fits of PTSD. I remember holding him in bed at night, rubbing his back or making pancakes or even just laying there and talking to him. And after all that, I think that Danse needs that right now.

I tug on his hand again and sit a little more comfortably so that he can lay on my lap, “Let me be here for you.” I whisper and smile a little bit at him.

* * *

**-Danse-**

My body is completely taut at her recommendation - it's probably because I'm in such turmoil over even the simple decision of allowing her to do what she wants. My eyes actually screw shut, my jaw clenching and my breath coming out in a rapid rush that makes my heart thunder in my chest.

I don't _deserve_ for someone to take care of me. I am not a man. I am a _thing_ . I'm an abomination and a _creation_ made by the Institute.

But, at the same time, I'm clearly more man than machine, because my body is slipping to the side of its own accord, following the guidance of her hand until my head falls into her lap and I feel the warmth of her spilling through me.

My breath comes out in a rush, and I know that she can still feel the tenseness in my muscles, can still feel the way that there's a small tremor running up my spine that has nothing to do with fear and everything to do with anxiety.

I feel like I'm spiraling - I want to rant. I want to tell her how _angry_ I am that everything that I was, everything that I thought I was supposed to be has been stripped away from me. I want to shout.

A part of me wants to cry.

But I don't do any of those things. Instead, I lay silently in her lap and focus on my breathing, focus on the tightness in my muscles to try to get it under control - to try to stop myself from boiling over the edge and going into a full blown attack.

"Ayalla..." I say her name without a real point - just to ground myself. I'm here, and I'm still alive. I still have a purpose in this world, even if I'm not sure of what it is yet.

If I have no other purpose, I know that it's _her_. I'm here to help her, and to keep her safe.

"Ayalla..." I say her name again, and this time it's softer. This time, I can unclench my teeth so that I don't hiss the word out.

I take a breath, and it's deep; it makes it through the tightness of my chest and fills my lungs with air. I feel half dizzy, but the warmth of her hands on me and the feel of my head on her lap is grounding, centering.

"Thank you..." I can't say more. I'm not sure if I should speak, or simply focus on how we're connected, and on my purpose. Keeping her safe. Making her life something other than that of a fugitive. I can do this.

I can take care of her, like she's taking care of me now.

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

I smile when Danse slips his head into my lap and says my name. I run my fingers through his hair, working out the little knots that I find. Then, I let them travel down to his face. I let my fingers gentle slide over his forehead, temples and cheeks before returning to his hair. I repeat this process, gazing at his anxious face.

“I’ll always be here to take care of you, Danse. Whatever you need.” I say, my voice is filled with so much emotion and so many unspoken words. There’s so much more that I want to say, but I can’t say them yet. Not while we’re still so close to danger and not while Danse is still so fragile.

Someday, we’ll be far, far away from Maxson and the Brotherhood. We’ll be content with our lives, we’ll do great things together and we’ll love each other. Life will be easier and we’ll both be able to find ourselves again.

I run my hands down to his shoulders and begin working the tight muscles there. He’s so tense and I can understand why, but I won’t let him stay that way. I knead his muscles, gently working out the knots and tenseness. I smile a little, enjoying taking care of him more than anything right now.

“I’m glad that you’ve let me stay by your side. We’ll get so far away from the Brotherhood that they’ll just be a distant memory. You and I will be able to be happy for once, without boundaries.” I say, my voice filling with hopefulness and happiness. I just want to make Danse happy.

* * *

**-Danse-**

It's a strange thing, for me to allow someone to take care of me. I'm so used to being strong, to being the one that holds it together for my squad. I know that I should be that way now - that I should pull myself together, so that Ayalla doesn't have to shoulder the burden of everything all on her own.

I know that I should, but I'm being selfish, because the feeling of her fingers working through my hair, brushing over my face... it's soothing in a way that I didn't know I needed. It makes me feel better.

It makes me feel... _human._ _  
_ There's so much hope in her voice, so much happiness at the prospect of a future without the Brotherhood - I want to feel the same way.

On some level, I do. The thought of getting to be happy with her is something that runs through me and titillates the nerves. At the same time, though, the thought of existing in a world where I don't have the purpose that the Brotherhood of Steel gave me is something that is overwhelming and all consuming.

It's something that makes my body refuse to relax, even though I can feel how hard she's working to rid me of the tenseness that is rocking through every fiber of my being.

"I don't know how to be anything other than a soldier, Ayalla. I don't know how to do anything other than to serve a purpose that I'm given, to follow orders. I..." I shake my head and let myself relax completely against her - I have my own purpose, my own orders. Watching over her, making her happy. It's something that can drive me forward, and something that can get me through.

Still, my eyes close against the touch of her fingers and I let out a sigh. I still _feel_ like Paladin Danse - I still feel like the man who fought beside his brothers and sisters against the threats. But if I can't be that man anymore, then maybe I can be the man that Ayalla needs - the one that she says she loves.

I'm just not sure if I can figure out _how._

* * *

**-Ayalla-**

“You’ll always be Paladin Danse, you know. Except now you get to give the orders, unless you want me to order you around. You might not like that very much, though.” I say and smile down at him a bit.

I hope he finds it at least slightly funny, even if he doesn’t laugh. I hope my words just make him feel a little bit better. I want to make all of this easier on him, I want to make him feel less sad and alone.

“We could also take a few pages from the Minutemen’s book. Maybe we could start our own group of Minutemen for you to order around once we get where we’re going?” I chuckle a little bit and shake my head.

Danse could do it, I think. He could get a group of people together to fight the evils of the world. He’s inspiring and driven and he takes care of his men. He’s the kind of guy anyone would want to get behind. A fair leader is the best kind.

Sometimes I wish Danse had been the Elder of the Brotherhood. He would’ve been so much better than Maxson. Maxson was so driven by hate, and while Danse hates ferals and mutants and… And synths, he’s also a compassionate man. He’d help his soldiers and he definitely wouldn’t send them to do his dirty work. Danse is exactly what the Brotherhood needs in a leader, but instead they’ve exiled him. They tried to kill him.

I start humming softly to push the negative thoughts creeping into my mind. There’s no time for me to feel sorry or sad or angry. I need to be positive for Danse, I need to be in the right state of mind to help him.

My humming starts off tuneles while I think of a song, but then it turns into One More Tomorrow by Frankie Carle. I used to listen to Diamond City radio every chance I got, and this song had always been one of my favorites. Even before the war. I smile a little as I hum the soft tune, running my fingers through Danse’s hair again.


End file.
